Tried a cross at a club? What to know before buying your own

At a club, the room, the rules and the people watching out for everyone are all provided. Someone else checked the cross before the night began, set the house rules, chose the lighting and will wipe the frame down when you leave. At home, you choose all of that yourselves. That's most of what changes when the St Andrew's cross is yours.

If you've already used a cross at a club or a play event and want one at home, you know something most first-time buyers don't: that upright restraint suits you. This guide covers what carries over from that experience, what doesn't, and what to think about before you choose your own.

What carries over

You know how it feels to be upright and on view, or to move around a partner who is. You know whether the ritual of walking to the cross and stepping away from it matters to you. And you've probably learned what you liked about the particular cross you used: its shape, its height, how open it felt, where you stood in the room.

Write those things down before you shop. They're the most useful brief you'll ever give a furniture maker, and they're much easier to recall the week after a club night than six months later.

What the club was doing for you

Much of what made a club scene work was invisible. At home, each of these becomes your job.

• Someone checked the cross before your scene. At home, check the frame, its fixings and its rings before every use. If anything has moved or loosened, stop and contact the maker before it's used again.
• A club has house rules that sit around every scene. At home, the only rules are the ones the two of you agree.
• Many clubs have people whose job is to watch the room. At home there's nobody else, so the partner leading stays in the room for the whole scene and never leaves a restrained person alone, even for a moment.
• Clear floor, good light and space to move were someone else's decision. Now they're yours.
• Someone else wiped the frame down afterwards. At home, clean it after every use and store restraints somewhere closed.

Choosing a shape like the one you used

Crosses differ more than they seem to from across a club. Some are a simple X; some have a fifth arm; some are open at every side and some sit against a wall. Think about which features of the one you used made a difference, and look for those.

We make three forms. Atlas is our St Andrew's cross. The X Cross pairs an angular steel X-frame with circular rings and open access from every side. Pentastar is a five-pointed frame. All three are made to order in S235 steel with welded D-rings, powder coated in the colour you choose. For their size and where their rings sit, ask us, and tell us about the cross you used: it's the quickest way to find the right one. Our guide to choosing a cross for your space goes further.

Bringing it into a room that isn't a club

A club room is built for scenes. Your room probably isn't, and it has other jobs. Think about where the cross will stand, what it will look like on an ordinary evening, who else sees the room, and how much clear floor you can give it. A partner needs room to move on every side.

Light matters more than most people expect. Club lighting is usually dim and dramatic, which suits a busy room. At home, you need enough light for the partner leading to see the other's hands, face and any signal they give. If any piece is going to be fixed to a wall, have a qualified tradesperson assess the wall first. Our guide to where a cross should go covers each kind of room.

Your own agreements

Scenes at a club sit inside the club's rules as well as your own. At home there's only your agreement, so make it complete. Consent is freely given, informed, specific, ongoing and withdrawable at any moment, and it's never assumed from a past scene, including the ones you enjoyed at the club. Agree each scene sober, for a scene that stays sober.

Choose a safeword and a non-verbal signal that work from behind, since the partner leading will often be out of sight. Either one ends the scene immediately and is never discussed or overridden in the moment. Keep safety shears within reach.

Your first scene at home

Treat it as a first scene, even if you've done this many times before. The piece is new, the room is new, and the safety net of the club has gone. Our guide to what to agree before a first scene on a cross walks through the conversation, and our piece on why upright restraint feels so different may help you put into words what you liked about it at the club.

A cross at home feels different from one at a club: quieter, more private, and more yours. That difference is the reason to buy one.